Too much
Sunday, September 15, 2019
All my life I've heard that I was too much. As a child, I got Unsatisfactory in conduct all the time because I talked too much. I was seemingly unable to keep my mouth shut. As I got older, it didn't improve. Junior high saw me get put in the corner a lot because I talked too much or disrupted the class. High school, I developed a bit of a reputation as a minor troublemaker because I was disruptive. I cracked jokes and made people laugh. I talked during the lecture. Whatever. I was told time and time again: You're too loud! You talk too much! You're too disruptive! You fill every room you're in! You don't leave enough room for other people to breathe! You suck all the oxygen out of the room! I've heard this so many times that it's become a sore spot for me.
I discovered at an early age that when I drank I didn't care if I was too much. Other people might care but I didn't. I suddenly felt able to express myself any damn way I wanted to! I know it made me even louder. I know it made me talk even more. I didn't care. That was the beauty of it for me. I didn't care. Until I did. Until it became a problem. Until I started losing friends and getting banned from bars. Then I started to care again.
I can almost pinpoint the exact moment when I realized that while alcohol made me worse, drugs made me better. I had a terrible crash and burn in Witchita Falls and moved back to Austin. That's when I met Star and that's when I discovered that drugs mellowed me out. The first time I dropped acid with her, the frantic energy that constantly lived in my brain quieted. The first time I did mushrooms, the same thing happened. I could be in the world without overwhelming it. Suddenly I had a solution. Until I didn't. Until I could no longer drink because it made me black out. Until the drugs that made me mellow were actually separating me from my feelings and from all other people. Sure, I was mellow but I was also so numb I wouldn't have known a feeling if it had fallen from the sky on my head. I existed in a constant state of lethargy in my own mind. I was convinced that the drugs now made me "speedy" when in reality all they did was lift my mood enough for me not to be sick. There at the end, I would take my 30 pills at once and for a few minutes I would feel "good" then I went back to feeling shitty again. In actuality the "good" feeling was just my body not being in withdrawal for a bit.
Getting clean and sober this time, I've discovered some things about myself. I LIKE being too much. I LIKE all this energy crackling out of me. I LIKE being super talkative and bubbly. The feeling I've had most days since I got sober IS the feeling I've been chasing for years! I had forgotten that it was my natural state and I had forgotten how much I liked it!
Last weekend at the AA conference, I was on a really big high. I was around lots of people, many of them I knew. I was, for brief periods, the center of attention which I love. I was chatty and happy and energetic. I was really hyperactive, I'll be the first to admit. I feed off people. The more people around me the higher I get. I can stand in the middle of a gathering and feel energy coming off people in waves. I lap that shit up like a thirsty puppy. I can almost see my pores opening and taking in all that energy. I LOVE that feeling! That's the best high I've ever experienced only somewhere along the way the last couple of decades I forgot that. I forgot how great I feel around people. I've spent the last few years isolating myself, walling myself up in my castle not letting down that drawbridge for pretty much anyone. Shannon has been allowed in for a while but even her I've held at arms' length most times. I've only had my own mind to live in and that is NOT a good place for me to be. When I'm in myself, I'm unable to tell what's real and what's delusion, what's actually happening and what's wishful thinking, or, more accurately, what's negative self-talk. If my mind didn't need my body to walk around in, it would gladly kill me and that's what it's been trying to do for the last few years. Left to my own devices, I begin to think that I'm worthless and the world is better off without me.
Anyway, back to the AA conference last weekend. I was on a really big high. When I got home on Friday night, I was almost totally unable to sleep. I tossed and turned and finally got up after less than two hours of sleep. I was wired! Saturday was more of the same. I was hyperactive and super energetic. I was also sensitive and touchy. I got a bit resentful at people for pointing out how hyper and energetic I was because it felt like they were holding up a spotlight to my sore spot. Well, come to find out someone went to my sponsor days later to ask if I was okay. This person, she wouldn't tell me who, had asked her if I was on something. Now, I'll be the first to admit that when she told me this I was insulted. Why would they go to her and ask and not come to me? Why would they think I was on something? Well, after some introspection and reflection I've decided that this is a good thing. Someone cared enough about me to go to my sponsor and make sure I was okay. Not to be a nosy gossip but to check in that everything was alright with me. That I was still sober and working my program. I've decided to be happy about that! Not that long ago, there wasn't hardly anyone who would have cared enough to check on me. There wasn't anyone they could have gone to that would have known if I was okay or not. Today I have a network of people who will check on me, who know what I'm up to, and who will ask if they think I need help. That's a blessing.