Friends
Thursday, September 19, 2019
Before I got to Texas this time, I could count on one hand the number of people I considered a real friend and I probably wouldn't need all the fingers on that hand. It's not because of other people though. It was because I had become so closed off there was no way anyone could truly get to know me. Hell, I didn't even know myself.
When I first got here in mid-June, I didn't anticipate that changing. I went to a few meetings but by and large I continued my habit of staying closed off and never letting anyone see my soft underbelly. I met up with a couple of the dear friends I did have and continued that relationship but that was about it. Even that was fraught with addiction issues since I stole drugs from them while I was visiting with them. The first month and then some I was here every move I made was calculated to score drugs. I visited people I thought would have them. If I didn't think you had any then I wasn't interested in seeing you. That all changed on a Sunday in July.
I didn't use drugs that day not because I didn't want to but because I didn't have any. I didn't have any way of getting any and I didn't know of anyone that had some. The same thing happened the next day. I didn't use because I couldn't find any. The next day was a Tuesday and I met up with my sponsor for the first time. We began my step work that night sitting in the bar area of a restaurant. That became the first day I didn't do drugs because I didn't want to. The next day I was tempted but I didn't do it. Instead I texted her and told on myself. Thus began the journey that I'm now set upon.
During the last 52 days, I've met some amazing people here! I've connected with people here that I hopefully will be friends with for a long time to come. It's amazing what actually being honest with people and letting them SEE you will do. I go to a meeting every day and in each one I've met at least one person, if not several, that I connect with on a real and personal level. It's an amazing feeling to walk into a room and have people call out my name and seem genuinely glad to see me. That's not been the case for me for a very long time.
There have, however, been a few women with which I've bonded quite tightly. One of them, J, is an amazing woman who has 18 months sober and has been such an inspiration to me. She is at one of the meetings I go to about three times a week so I would see her often. One day she shared something personal with me before the meeting started. After that we began texting each other pretty much every day. If I don't have a text message from her when I wake up I send one to her. We've had some really meaningful discussions about issues that effect us both. I honestly am just in awe that she thinks so highly of me. I'm so used to being the one to pursue a friendship, it's weird for me to be in such a reciprocal relationship. She cares for and loves me as much as I do her. I'm going to miss seeing her so often when I go back to NZ but I know we'll stay in touch. I can't wait to see her grow and blossom as she gets older in sobriety and sharing my journey with her as well.
The second person I've especially bonded with is my sponsor. She's an awesome person who was exactly the type of sponsor I needed. The first time I heard her share I knew we'd get along. Then we all went out to dinner and she was the instigator of the group so I knew we'd do well together. She was also the first person who was totally blunt with me. She asked me if I wanted to die because that's the road I was headed down. When I asked her to be my summer sponsor she didn't hesitate. She said yes right away. For my first step, she had me write out five ways my life was unmanageable. I honestly thought my problem was drugs. I knew I couldn't drink but I thought all my addict behavior and all my issues were centered around drugs. Then I wrote out five ways my life was out of control and half them involved alcohol. We did the first three steps that first night. I told her I had a limited amount of time and I wanted to get as far as possible into the steps before I went home. The last time I got into recovery I didn't do any step work and I relapsed. It took seven years but it was inevitable. This time I wasn't fucking around. I knew I needed this to save my life so I hit it hard. I did my fourth and fifth steps with her less than two weeks later. I was convinced she would judge me when she found out all the shit I did but she didn't. We discovered why our HPs had put us together because we had a lot of the same issues. We'd had a lot of the same experiences, not exactly the same but similar enough in essence. She really got me and that was honestly a first for me. To have someone completely understand where I came from and the weird way my brain works. She's had me calling her every day. I missed a few days calling but I always at least texted to let her know all was well. She didn't always answer the phone but I know that if I needed her she would have called me right back. Last week when we got together and she told me someone had approached her about my sobriety it made me really uncomfortable. I know they meant well but it still didn't feel good knowing someone in recovery went behind my back. I expect it in the rest of my life. I expect that my parents and my wife and my normie friends will wonder. Especially since I've become "too much" again. I know people will wonder if I'm high. I just didn't expect my recovery friends to wonder. I thought they would know me better than that. It's not like I've been a wilting flower in ANY meeting I'm in. I'm loud and excitable and frenetic every time I share. Have been almost from the very start. So when she said that someone had talked to her about me my first feeling was that feeling I would get when I was worried I was about to get into trouble. Those feelings of trepidation and dread. Like she was about to get mad at me I guess. It was weird. Anyway, our last visit just felt off to me so the last few days I've been wondering if she's distancing herself from me because I'm leaving or if she's judging me now or some other stupid shit my brain makes up. I didn't talk to her on Monday but I left a message. On Tuesday, she was supposed to come to the meeting but had to deal with a flat tire so I didn't talk to her that day. Wednesday I was feeling all kinds of shit and pouting so I didn't want to call her. I sent her a text but it was pretty bland. So today she calls me. She scolds me a bit for not calling her, letting me know that it's not really cool and I gotta keep up with her. Letting me know that she cares basically! That she's noticed I've not called and she's worried. I felt silly for doubting. She was giving me a hard time as she does and then just before we hung up she asked if I knew she was just joking around with me. Like it was important to her that I know that's how she expresses love and that she really cares. It gave me the warm fuzzies. She's one of those people who doesn't love lightly or even care lightly. She takes a bit to warm up but once you're in, you're in. I'm so happy I listened to my gut and chose her. She's been perfect for me and I only hope I find someone half as awesome as she is back in NZ.
The third dear friend I've made is the one who prompted this blog post. I just found out tonight that the time we'll spend together tomorrow will be the last face to face time we'll have until I come back to the US or she comes to NZ. I knew she was struggling with her issues but I guess I just assumed she was struggling like I was struggling: not so much with the actual use of drugs/alcohol but with the reality of being sober. We've been suppressing our feelings for so long that we don't know how to deal with them. We've not faced life challenges sober before so it's a new experience and we're like blind people feeling our way through an unfamiliar room. We bump into furniture and fall over obstacles but we're there for each other to lend a steadying hand or to pick the other up off the floor. I just found out tonight that she's been struggling in a totally different way than I have. Over the last couple of months we've both saved the other more than once. She's been the mouthpiece of my HP and I have for her as well. We've commiserated, cajoled, rescued, leaned on, cheered up each other so many times. Now she has to go on part of her journey on her own. Well, not really on her own. She'll have heaps of support. It just won't come directly from me for a while and I won't get any back from her for a bit. She's on her way to treatment, inpatient, for 42 days. It's for the best I know. It's to save her life and god knows I want her to save her life. It's just that I'm gonna miss her and I'm feeling especially selfish for it. I know she'll come out the other side healthier and happier and that's really the important part, right? It's not like I won't see her again. I don't know if she'll be allowed to keep her phone but I'm sure we'll at least be able to write to each other. I've gotten so used to the instant gratification of sending a text message and receiving an instant reply that I've forgotten what it's like to write letters. I know everything works out for the best. Hell, she should have been in Colorado today but her flight was cancelled because of a hurricane which allowed her to see her sponsor tonight which in turn allowed her sponsor to find out how much she was struggling and suggest treatment ASAP. There are no coincidences. Things happen exactly as they should and that's what's happened here. Tomorrow we'll get to spend a few hours together while I take her to the airport and for that I'm extremely grateful. We wouldn't have gotten that if not for the cancelled flight. So there's our HP working in both our lives.
Lastly, I've reconnected with a past girlfriend and that was certainly unexpected. When we split up, we kind of fell out of each other's lives. We hooked back up on Facebook but nothing too deep, the occasional "like" on a post but that was about it. Since I was down here I messaged her to meet up and we did. I got to meet her amazing new partner and hear about how her life has gone in the last 25 years. She's definitely had her ups and downs but has come through with an amazing love for life that I envy a bit. We text each other pretty much every day and will hopefully see each other one last time before I go back. I know we'll stay in touch now since we've become good friends again. It's nice to talk to someone who knew me way back when I was different from who I am today.
The word that comes to mind now that I've gone back and read this post is "grateful." I"m so grateful that these wonderful women have been placed in my path. They've been exactly what I needed when I needed it. They've lifted me up and saved my life. They've loved me when I wasn't sure I could love myself and believed in me when I definitely didn't believe in myself. Having these kinds of human connection again makes me realize how much I've missed over the last ten years and I never want to lose that again. I honestly feel that my life is finally headed onwards and upwards again!