Things we carry from childhood
Today the couple I work for was arguing a lot. M came into the first house late and rather than ask what was left to be done he just jumped in and started redoing things R and I had already done. When she pointed this out to him he got all defensive and lashed out. I happened to walk into the middle of their spat and he snapped at me as well. He apologized later but couldn't just apologize. He had to qualify it with excuses, blaming his outburst on a multitude of other things. Then he was throwing things out of the back of the car so he could reorganize everything the way he wanted it. Very much like a fit I've thrown a thousand times. I stood off to the side and played with my phone while he threw his fit. He continued to be pissy for the rest of the day. Several times I found myself taking on his negativity and getting all worked up. I had to take myself into another room, take a few deep breaths, and physically push his shit away from me. I have enough of my own without taking on someone else's.
I'm not sure where my gut-level fear of people arguing came from. My mom never argued with anyone. Perhaps it was Granny and Grandpa arguing. God, they got so vicious with each other! I've never heard people say such horrible things to each other since then. He would mock her weight and appearance because he knew that was her soft spot. She would mock his unemployment and his manhood because that was his soft spot. The two of them and my other set of grandparents were my only married role models as a kid. Most everyone else in the family was divorced. Grandmother and Granddad didn't have the best marriage from an outsider's perspective either. All I ever really saw them do was drink. But now Granny and Grandpa, I saw them fight all the time. It always really upset me too. I'd get mad at Grandpa which must have made him feel bad. I mean, why would I stick up for Granny and not for him? She was always the more loving of the two. I was closer to her so I guess that's why I stuck up for her. Bruce and his second wife were always arguing too. One time, the two of them, myself, and Jim (I think) all went camping. Lee was a big-time drinker. Bruce had this old panel van he called the Blue Goose. Anyway, we were out camping somewhere and Lee got full on, totally shitfaced drunk so Bruce packed us all up and was heading home. During the drive, Lee got upset at me for some reason and tried to throw me out of the van as it tooled down the highway going 70mph. I think it was only Jim's quick thinking that saved me. When we got back to Granny and Grandpa's house, Bruce handcuffed Lee to the inside of that van and left her there all night long. That's the only memory I have of the second wife. I also remember both Jim and Bruce throwing and breaking things when they got mad. It's what I did as well. Just modeled the behavior I was shown.
After the meeting, I went out to dinner with my sponsor and another woman from the program. I'm a bit at a loss about my feelings towards my sponsor. I really like her and would like to be better friends with her but I get the feeling that I make her uncomfortable. She's been there every time I've had a recovery related question or issue but on a personal level I find her a bit standoffish. Now it could just be because she's not a terribly social person or, as was pointed out to me, she may not want to get very close to me because I'm leaving in less than two months. Whatever the issue, I wish we could be closer. Perhaps that will happen in time and perhaps it'll never happen with her. It's out of my control as I can only do what's on my side of the street. I'll continue to call her every day as she suggested and I'll continue to work my steps with her because this really is life and death for me. I cannot afford to get this wrong.